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The Long Awaited Book
by Diederik Wolsak
Diederik Wolsak's 'Choose Again Six-Step Process' has been quietly transforming lives for more than 20 years. His clients have begged him to write a book so that his life-changing technique can be widely shared, and it's now available from Fearless Books.
CHOOSE AGAIN tells the inspiring story of Diederik's journey from childhood in a Japanese concentration camp to his healing center in Costa Rica. As he transformed himself from a self-destructive, self-loathing bully to an extraordinary healer, he devised the Process that turned his life around — and which can dramatically increase the joy and peace in your life.
By mastering the Choose Again Six-Step process, you can expect to decrease stress, increase joy, improve all your relationships, and transform your life for good. This deceptively simple method will soon be yours, enabling you to discover greater happiness than you ever thought possible.
read excerpt below
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"It is with great enthusiasm that we recommend this book to you. Treat it with utmost respect, for it has the power and the potential to truly change your life." — from the Foreword by Gerald Jampolsky, M.D., Founder of Attitudinal Healing, author of Love is Letting Go of Fear
"From his early sorrows, and from the later suffering he engendered for himself as a result, Diederik Wolsak has fashioned a practical, six-step program to self-liberation. He transmits his teaching directly and eloquently, and with unsparing honesty. He has already helped many fellow humans; with this book he can help many more." — Gabor Maté, M.D., author of When The Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress
Excerpt — Chapter 2
Who Do You Think You Are?
"The closer you come to knowing that you alone create
the world of your experience, the more vital it becomes for
you to discover just who is doing the creating."
~ Eric Micha'el Leventahl
Who is doing the creating? You are. I am. But not the One we are in truth. Who is creating my experience is the creature I made up — but that creature has become a rogue robot.
The 'I' you think you are may have thoughts like these:
• "In the eyes of the world, I'm a very successful lawyer, but at home I'm angry all the time."
• "I'm a teacher who loves to read in my spare time. I have a perfect job, I am just so depressed, nothing seems to really matter."
• "I'm a lousy wife and mother — I can't seem to do anything well enough."
• "I'm the life and soul of every party, but I don't have any really good friends."
When someone you have just met asks you about yourself, you may tell them about your job, your interests, and your family. We tend to define ourselves by our position in society, our education, our favorite sports teams, our hobbies. Our doctors might define us by our health issues; our accountants by how much money we have. We are labeled, categorized, and defined in many different ways.
Society has encouraged us to project an outward image that is often at odds with what we feel inside. We strive to look good, dress well, display the trappings of a chosen style, and possess the gadgets and status symbols that will allow us to be judged favorably by our neighbors. This obsession with appearance is the result of having lost touch with who we really are. We do not want anyone to see who we think we really are, so we are constantly on guard to hide the aspects of ourselves we despise.
There is a subconscious part of our identity made up of core beliefs, many of which may be hidden from our own view. Nonetheless, this collection of beliefs drives our behaviors, and literally chooses our feelings and our experiences for us. This is the small "s" self, or ego. This set of beliefs is what I actually believe I am.
Many of us are not even aware that our minds have made up a "self" that is running the show and wreaking havoc in our lives. If you recognize a pattern of behavior in your life — finding yourself in some kind of frustrating situation over and over again — you can be sure that pattern is driven by subconscious beliefs. The good news is that by becoming aware of those beliefs and bringing them to light, you can transform your behavior patterns. This is how addictions are healed, chronic stress is relieved, and depression becomes a memory.
In order to begin to do the work necessary to become truly happy, we must first get a clear idea of who we think we are. This chapter will show how the ego develops — the self that we "think" we are, based on unrecognized core beliefs.
The Development of Core Beliefs
For most of us, our parents looked at us with pure love and absolute delight when we were born. They cuddled and comforted us, fed us, changed us, and marveled at every new stage in our development. We were perfect in their eyes.
As children we are totally egocentric — we automatically assume that the world is entirely about us. Adoring parents give us the message that not only are we safe and taken care of, we are inherently worthwhile and deserving of love.
But there comes a point, sooner or later when something happens, and a parent or caretaker reacts to us in a way that is less than loving. Perhaps Mom had a difficult day and reacts with irritation when we throw food from the high chair, or maybe Dad comes home drunk. Having known only loving parents be-fore, we now experience uneasiness, and assume that we must have done something to cause this new and unexpected behavior by a parent. Our young mind will always assume that it is our fault. How many times did our mother or father say: "You make me so happy"? It stands to reason that if I, as a baby, can make an adult happy, then I can also cause their unhappiness.
When mom gets angry again, or dad comes home drunk for the third or fourth time, we will use this additional evidence to cement a belief that we are bad, unworthy, unlovable, destined to be a victim — or any one of a number of negative beliefs. This can include the assumption that if we were truly lovable, dad would not drink and mom would never be irritated. Sounds a little insane, doesn't it? And, yet, that is how we all formed what we now call our 'personality' or 'character.'
Once such a belief is firmly established, we will begin to look at the world through the lens of that belief. If we believe we are bad, we will keep a record of every time we are scolded or punished in some way, while we must overlook the many times we had fun with our parents. We must overlook those memories because in order to preserve and strengthen the beliefs I hold about myself, I cannot allow contradictory evidence to enter my awareness. "No one can convince you of a truth you do not want," says A Course in Miracles. Through the lens of our beliefs, we will focus on the things that seem to go wrong, and all the ways we are treated badly or unfairly.
Any core belief demands evidence to be sustained. So we will behave in such a way that the necessary evidence will be sup plied. For instance, we may subconsciously provoke the anger of a parent, the irritation of a teacher, being left out by our group of friends. These events will produce the feeling of shame and rejection that the core belief requires to maintain its hold.
In other words, the deeply buried belief that there is something 'shameful' about who I am will direct me to act in ways that elicit that feeling.
This feedback loop shown in the illustration below strengthens the beliefs which coalesce to form our identity. And that core belief will remain in control of every aspect of your life until you learn that it can be challenged and transformed.
Young children typically assume that it is somehow their fault if their parents get a divorce. If we were accustomed to hearing our parents telling us, "You make me so happy," then when they were not happy, we will conclude that somehow it was our fault they weren't happy. Now there may have been parents who were happy all the time, but I have not had the pleasure of meeting any! We all made up a belief that we were responsible for our parents' happiness, and later in life, that we are responsible for our partner's happiness. One definition of relationship hell is to hold yourself responsible for your partner's happiness.
When my first daughter was born, I was drunk in the delivery room. However, when I laid eyes on my new little girl, I thought: She's the most incredible thing I've ever seen! and I'm going to stop drinking because I want to be there for her.
But I didn't stop drinking.
What's the core belief she might have developed as a result of having a father who was an alcoholic? I'm NOT the most incredible thing he's ever seen. There's something wrong with me, otherwise he would stop drinking. I have learned that every child of alcoholic parents has this belief. The fact that I wouldn't give up drinking at that time, even for my beautiful daughter, provided further evidence for my own core beliefs that I was worthless, monstrous, and weak. As a matter of fact, the self I had made up could not afford to stop drinking. It is not possible to go against a core belief; the belief will ultimately win.
Every single one of us has made up some limiting core beliefs about ourselves, and it's these beliefs that run (or ruin) our lives today — without us even being aware of them! Some core beliefs common to most people are:
• I'm not loved (or "lovable")
• I'm not important
• I don't matter
• I'm not supported
• I have nothing to offer
• Whatever I do will be wrong, it will never be enough
• I deserve to be punished — I'm bad
• I can lose love
• I'm not good enough
• There is something seriously wrong with me
• I'm guilty
• I'm a victim
These and other beliefs were made up by me and you at an early age, as a result of how we interpreted certain things that occurred — people spoke to us in a particular tone of voice; there was conflict; perhaps some drama ensued — and this chain of events had an impact on our young and impressionable minds....
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